Well, time to make some things exist.
My future? My future looks pretty fucking bleak. Why?
Because I don't see anything there. Really, I don't.
I honestly haven't got many.. dreams to speak of, and none that can be achieved
by actively chasing them, so no direction there.
Seeing this through? Playing the game for no particular reason at all?
I have no ambition for anything particular, either.
Nothing to really look forward to.
Yeah, waiting for a schoolday to finish, the following weekend, getting a new game or CD
or whatever, but nothing above and beyond those. Honestly I don't.
What I do have *right now*, however, is a whole lot of frustration and anguish.
Now, what am I supposed to do? I'm nearly in tears right now.
Guess I'm feeling sorry for myself, too, which is pretty lame.
I certainly hope that isn't the case. I would like to think that I'm just really
pissed off at the insignificance and uselessness of things.
Now, I'm stuck in a kind of loop of thought regarding all those things mentioned..
call it a slow-moving downward spiral or something, if you will.
And it gets quite uncontrollable at times. Thankfully, not existing all of the time, yet.
Anyway, I've said before that what keeps me going is a pursuit of the things that I like,
(I guess you could add "pursuit of happiness", too, however trite that one is)
but what gets me problems in this area is the fact that can't bring myself to
sample all the stuff that's generally made me happy. I don't read books --
God knows those books have been sitting on my table for months now, and I've only
managed to read two books in *months*, and that's pretty fucking miserable.
And there's a stash of anime that I know to be good waiting for me too,
but I haven't touched them since, like, October.
I don't play games now, either -- I've only played like one game - Kana - in a serious way
these last days, and while I certainly enjoyed it, I haven't touched other ones..
I do recommend the game in question to you, by the way, if you enjoy the "graphic novel" variety.
But anyway, this is most alarming to me, since this.. depression really gets to me at times.
I'm kind of horrified by it, really. I desperately need to get a grip.
Because losing interest in everything I ever loved is like a mental death.
I also feel that I've gone "past my prime", so to speak.
At times I can strongly feel that my head isn't what it used to be.
I've spoken of matters like this with other people, and it seems that I'm not the only
one to have similar feelings about themselves.
That isn't painting a hopeful kind of a picture.
Sure, anyway. Of course, there are things that I really want from my life.
Of course, I also know that these things are and will be well out of reach.
And eventually, I will settle for less, having no choice.
I can try, and I will, of course, but. Hah. The world doesn't turn like that.
Now, there are good things that have been said to me by good people,
but as you can probably guess if you've ever felt something like this,
none of this.. "useless advice" really does anything. Of course it cannot.
At times I feel like shattering. Which seriously fucking sucks.
..huh. Didn't think I'd be going through something like this.
Guess I should don roses, black lipstick and razorblades next, eh? Jesus.
Catalysts? I don't want to think or talk about it.
Oh, man. You'd think I would've been able to trip through the clichés undamaged.
Note how Rami isn't not a very good or particularly original writer, either. Fuck Rami.
He is, however, very self-indulgent, and now he has even stooped
to referring to himself in third person.
Oh, and "hope and believe"?
Hope and believe my ass.
Realism has always been the right way about it. Even if it kills you. ;)
Still, I can understand the kind sentiment of believing and not giving up and whatnot.
And I am not giving up. No. You can say I've given up only when they find my
cold corpse somewhere, the life inside terminated by my own hand.
Which I certainly don't think (and hope) is going to happen anytime soon. Like ever.