I want to tell you a story
'bout a little man
if I can..
His name I'll withhold to protect a semblance of privacy, but I will
tell you that it rhymes with Nauko.
All right. Now this little Nauko fellow, he was born in a tight-knit redneck
family of an undetermined number of people, and grew up a fine hick with the
guidance and tutouring of his family and all the people he knew.
Okay, so he reached adulthood, and did all kinds of things he and his
grubby little hillbilly buddies found fun, like drinking a lot,
fighting, shooting some animals, working at gas stations with his negative IQ,
sucking cock for a nickel, beating up women and whatever.
So now comes the romance part. Enter a woman, who I shall name Meryl,
apparently and probably a glutton for punishment, and likely not all that smart either.
And lookie! Now she's together with Nauko! Of course they are an item!
You wouldn't have it any other way, huh.
Now, nestled in idyllic existence, Nauko of course does all that he can.
Mainly drinking a lot, fighting, shooting some animals,
working at gas stations with his negative IQ, sucking cock for a nickel
and beating up his woman with big sticks and soaps on ropes and chainsaws and whatever.
The plot thickens! Enter a new character, nicknamed Cloud Strife,
who, quite a bit of a redneck himself, happens to fancy little old Meryl,
but doesn't really appreciate Nauko's methods of holding his loved one dear,
which basically consist of wielding a very large hatchet to her face
and burying his fists in her eyes and unloading his shotgun at her
(with the method that separates the shellcasing with the contents) and all that.
So what'd you think happens? Cloud and Meryl start to meet more and more,
despite of poor neglected Nauko's death threats. Tension rises, and as you'd
only expect of this poor little cornpicker (who probably only once used
his brain during his life and even that was an attempt to read those funny
little inscriptions that old rag with pictures of nekkid wimmen had on it
while he was jerking off to the content of the said rag), he one evening
decides to visit Cloud's humble abode, toting only his stagnant brain
and the twelve-gauge. Only Nauko is such an utter retarded dog-copulating
inexpensively fellating fucking screw-up that he manages to fail
killing anybody at all, but he does manage to make a nice hole in the door
that will certainly make his brethren proud, before quickly making his
escape towards his home (of all things).
From where, of course, he's picked up by the long arm of the law
in a matter of hours, gun and all! Cleeever planning!
What follows is naturally a charge, and from his behalf some really shabbily thought-up
emergency lies about what kind of shit really went down, hollow threats
from ol' Nauko's brother towards the people involved regarding the matters
that took place and the introduction of the idea that perhaps it all didn't
take place quite as it appeared to, especially if some people want a
peaceful and a notably non-bullet-riddled continued existence, ignoring
of the said hollow threats, the revelation of about a bazillion previous
criminal acts of dear Nauko that had gone unpunished for some fucked-up,
undocumented Finnish court system feature, ranging from parking tickets
to bestiality to driving under the influence to soliciting his ass
to the lowest bidder to sucking cock for a nickel.
Well, when the wheels of justice begin to turn there's no stopping them.
And Nauko couldn't have a last escape, either, as he was found guilty
of a bunch of horrifying things, which, combined, earned him..
oh about two years of prison.
Cloud Strife lived happily ever after with Meryl,
until a month later Meryl left Cloud for someone who can cater to her
special needs of warmth, security and a good thrashing at a daily basis.
Undaunted by this, Cloud Strife went on to brandish a very big sword
against all forces of wifebeatiness and evil, and ended up saving the world,
two hundred years after which some coyotes or whatever ran up a hill
and looked at the valley below, howling, as if that was some kind of a fucking conclusion.
Nauko raged, foaming at the mouth, for every single day of his sentence,
on about how he was going to extract his gruesome revenge unto the
parties involved, to everyone who was or was not willing to listen, in gory detail.
Due to his good behaviour, he was paroled a half a year later,
but before he could carry out anything he passed away while cleaning
his dear shotgun (which he got back at the jail check-out booth, shells and all)
and casually holding the exit end to his face.
Nauko's brother made his parents proud by trashing, in retaliation, Cloud's mailbox,
content in knowing that he has avenged.
The justice system went successfully on to incarcerate Charles Manson
for all he had done, and came up with the longest penalty ever recorded
in Finnish court system history : three years of community service.
This harsh decision was strongly criticized, however, and the system
was eventually forced to change this penalty into a more humane $5 fine,
but since the guilty party had already performed one third of his sentence,
the court decided to compensate this time with a $15 payment.
Certain parties in Hollywood have expressed interest in basing a movie
on these events, and there has been talk of casting Kate Winslet as Meryl,
Leonardo DiCaprio as Cloud Strife and Jack Nicholson as Nauko!
This quote love story of the century unquote is expected to be ready
for general viewing no later than the year 2005! Watch this space!
The preceding story may have been altered for the purpose of dramatization.