SF Films
Pekka and Pätkä in a Pileup
Script: Armand Lohikoski
Featuring: Esa Pakarinen and Masa Niemi
Cinematography: Pentti Valkeala and Mikko Sergejeff
Music: Toivo Kärki
Set decoration: Aarre Koivisto Sound producer: Kaarlo Nissilä
Editing: Elmer Lahti, SF Laboratory
Director: Armand Lohikoski
Production Finnish Film Industry
If we were really smart now, Pekka, then...
Who would doubt our smartness?
Don't stop my rational thought!
That's not a bad idea at all.
Oh, dear boys!
My own dear sugar lumps!
You didn't need to hang yourselves because of the dishes!
I would have washed them!
I would have washed them all my life,
if I could have kept you alive and well!
Justiina, was that a promise?
Take the bull by the horns.
Bull?
I'm no bull!
But I'll show you creeps what I am!
And now, put your clothes on quick and go find a job,
or something terrible will happen!
Now we're in trouble.
Heureka!
What is that?
It's Pig Latin and it means that we needn't worry.
I've got an idea!
One of us will take an accident insurance.
An accident insurance...
But... Then there needs to be an accident.
Indeed, and if not, we'll make it happen.
Well, we do have money for the insurance,
but who should take it?
You take it.
Or you!
Because you're bigger.
What does that have to do with this?
Well, surely the big get into more accidents.
Now I know! What?
If the first person that comes from there
is a woman, then you lose.
But if it's a man, I win.
Ok! This sounds exciting!
Do animals count, too?
No.
I wonder which one this is.
Excuse me, are you a man or a woman?
Look at the clothes, dude!
This is clear-cut case. He's a man.
He even buttons his jacket to the right.
I lost, so I have to take the insurance.
But it might be hard to get into an accident.
Don't you worry about that.
I'll take care of that.
Now look at this. My clothes are all dirty,
and there's no insurance.
Hey, mister!
Is this water soluble?
Yes, you can clean it with water.
Water!
This is getting life-threatening.
Indeed, but too early!
This way!
Here! Here! Here!
See where you practise mambo, you fool!
Insurance company
We got all the way here without needing an ambulance.
And so the danger is over.
Look at that, it's a calla. A funeral flower.
Did the pot break?
All right, Pekka. Let it rip!
Now you have an insurance.
Pätkä, I'm so afraid.
That sounds weird.
The man is afraid in spite of a million mark insurance.
Look! An all-time opportunity!
Pätkä, b-b-but...
Shut up and be quiet!
If you're afraid, keep your eyes closed.
I'll show the way.
Listen, shorty, did you need to show your face right now?
Just asking.
Take it easy, Pätkä.
Accidents happen unexpected.
You lead the way.
It's not an accident.
It is!
No, it's a mishap.
If you fall into the water,
it's an accident.
But if someone drags you up,
then that's a mishap.
And now, get going!
And good luck!
So there!
Who told you to jump into a boat?
Well, what could I do if it was there?
I won't give up! I won't!
Beanpole Pikkarainen!
Nitwit Pikkarainen!
Beanpole Pik...
Now, listen to me.
You only need to stand up,
and ask: Pikkarainen, how tall are you?
Why would I do that? I can see it already.
Shut up and do as the wise man says.
Pikkarainen will surely get you into an accident.
Pätkä, I'm afraid that it might be a fatal accident.
Just go!
How tall are you, Pikkarainen?
Yes. How tall are you, Pikkarainen?
So it was you!
I'll show you something tall!
A tall broomstick!
Here I stand. I can do no other.
Pätkä.
Am I lucky or unlucky now? Nothing happened.
Come!
All right! Don't worry, don't worry, Rosemary.
It won't take long!
Sure, sure...
It's not the sudden fall, but the sudden stop.
Pekka! Pekka ahoy!
Hurry, hurry!
Time is money, and we have neither!
Pekka, do you hear me?
Pekka ahoy!
Pekka! Pekka ahoy!
Hurry, hurry!
Pekka, do you hear me?
As you were, Pekka! I'll get the fire brigade!
Spit on your hands so that you can hang on!
Pätkä, how do I get down from here?
The man falls from the 8th floor and asks how to get down!
Let me laugh!
Pätkä, are you angry because of my bad luck?
Yes!
We'll get no money from the insurance. Goodbye!
Goodbye.
Hey, Pätkä!
Don't leave me! Don't sweat it, Pätkä!
Now, this is a mishap. The wrong man got into an accident.
What should we do?
Mr. Professor, could I read some literature?
Niskanen.
Well, you may read literature,
but I'd recommend you to start from the end.
And then, Mr. Professor, we have two loonies,
that completely puzzle us.
They rave and hallucinate, and there's nothing we can do.
I see, I see. Well, let's have a look.
Don't you recognize me at all?
Pekka, it's me, Justiina.
Your own dear little Justiina.
Say something to me, Pekka.
Say that you love me.
Those headhunters made us a bath, Mr. Livingstone.
I didn't expect such hospitality at these latitudes, Mr. Stanley.
Why are those kids dancing around the tub?
Hey, darky, why the dancing, if I may ask?
Is dinner ball.
Well, I did not get that at all.
Me neither, Mr. Stanley.
Do you happen to have a scrubbing brush?
Or a dish brush for scratching my back? I'm feeling itchy.
How many times I have to say
that food need be washed well before cooking?
Otherwise get tapeworm!
Take them a brush, quick!
Kids, kids! How many times momma say no play with food?
You kids!
Stop, Bimbo! Where you been wallowing again?
Show momma your hands!
Look how dirty they are! They all white!
Go wash them right now, so that we can eat!
Eat?
We get to eat soon, Mr. Livingstone.
They already told the kids to wash their hands.
Hey, black baboon! What's for dinner?
Is beef stroganoff.
Beef stroganoff? That's my favorite food!
But cook it at least an hour and a half, so that it's tender.
You said it! My mother-in-law too chevy even after three hours.
That hottentot pinched me to the bone!
Meat is tastiest next to the bone.
What you think? Bit more pepper?
Well, I taste.
I think there bit too much.
Yes, yes. I'm small but spicy.
Mr. Livingstone, I have a weird feeling about this.
Those are typical symptoms. You're hungry.
That, too. But that weird feeling is here.
Perhaps ants have nested there.
Maybe, but I suspect that we are on the menu for those headhunters.
Mr. Livingstone, that's a familiar-looking man.
I also think that I've seen that goatee before.
Just a minute!
Robinson Caruso!
No, no... Robinson Crusoe!
Quite right. You got full three points.
Is he dropping fruit from the tree?
Hungry!
Let's ask if we could be partners in eating.
Huh?
What do my eyeglasses see?
White blacks.
No, we're more like black whites.
Perhaps stranded, just like me.
No, no! May I introduce myself: Filé à la Oscar.
Beef à la Stroganoff.
Shiver me timbers! Have you escaped from Friday's menu?
That's what we did when the blackies went to chop more firewood.
That was a scoot. We couldn't even take our clothes.
I see, I see...
What brings you gentlemen to these distant shores?
We're famous explorers. Mr. Livingstone and Mr. Stanley.
You must have read about us in the history.
Oh, I was a bit bad at history as a schoolboy...
How did you get here, gentlemen?
By aeroplane. Our seaplane is there in the bay.
Rescue!
Finally, rescue!
With you I get back home and to the civilization!
Sure do! There's room on the plane.
How is the world these days?
Just a moment!
Moment!
Hydrogen bomb exploded. 150 dead.
Major earthquake. 500 dead.
15th consecutive coup. 1500 casualties.
Ten car pileup at crossroads. Everyone dead!
Seven people drowned in booze.
A gas tap leaked...
That's enough! I'm not going. It's better here.
Every cloud has a silver lining. Listen.
A telegram from Hollywood.
Marilyn Monrepos' measurements: bust 95,
hip...
Hey, hey! What is your friend doing?
This is the flag of Ruritania. This island is now a protectorate.
On the next boat we'll bring taxmen,
missionaries,
police,
and everything that goes with civilization.
Will civilization arrive here?
Right away! As soon as we get a word of you to the civilized world.
A word? Wait till I get a word of you to Friday!
You'll end up in the cauldron both!
Maybe the professor would listen to the heart sounds himself.
Hello, Professor Karhu speaking.
Hello? Hello!
What a jerk! He hung up.
Mr. Professor wasn't on the phone. You were listening to heart sounds.
Oh, thank you. That's how it was, indeed.
Sensitive.
Very sensitive.
A lamb's heart.
Has madam been a bit too hard with the poor man?
Mr. Professor, I've always been a model wife.
I'm not one of those nagging and quipping women,
but one of them quietly suffering,
self-sacrificing,
silent mothers of the nation.
Mrs. Puupää has been very attentive, indeed.
She has brought flowers to the patients.
Yes, yes! Totally!
And a real parrot. Our Pekka likes birds so much!
Mr. Professor, with all due respect...
I think that bag is a real parrot herself!
When I shout: broom company, halt!
It means that every man freezes right there!
Fall in, march!
Extend!
Eyes front!
Shoulder brooms!
Why are you laughing? The corporal told to shoulder the broom.
Puupää! Your own shoulder!
Back to the row!
Attention!
Stand brooms!
At ease!
Attention!
Shoulder brooms!
Eyes left!
Sir! One corporal, twelve men, one Puupää and Pätkä.
Thank you!
Order at ease!
At ease!
Easy peasy, easy peasy, easy peasy...
All right! Tell me, rookie,
what is the range of a rifle?
Sir, I'll carry it as far as the corporal orders!
You have a stupid face!
Where have I seen that face before?
Maybe in the cinema, Sir. I'm a movie star.
But here you're nobody!
Is that clear?
Clear as crystal, Sir!
Are you breastfeeding, rookie?
No Sir!
Then why are those buttons open?
Disobedient (uppiniskanen), huh?
No, Mikko Niskanen, Sir!
Corporal Pikkarainen!
Sir!
Take command of these idiots!
Yes Sir!
Stand brooms!
At ease!
Attention!
You two boneheads! Bust in, belly out!
What's wrong with you? Can't you stand in a row?
Come and see for yourselves if this is a row!
Sir, the row is not visible. It's gone with the wind!
Corporal Pikkarainen!
Don't make yourself the laughing stock of your men!
I'll take command again!
Yes Sir!
Broom company! Fall in, march!
Extend!
Eyes front!
Dismiss!
Broom company!
Get down!
You tumble as into the marital bed!
Corporal Pikkarainen!
Take command again and kick some butt!
Yes Sir!
Get up! Get down! Get up! Get down! Get up!
Get up! Fall in!
Extend! Eyes front! At ease!
Attention! Shoulder brooms!
Turn right!
March!
Left, left, left, two, three!
Corporal Pikkarainen!
Sir!
I need three volunteers!
Yes Sir!
Broom company, halt!
Turn right!
Three volunteers, two steps forward, march!
What!
What are you two Private Snafus doing?
I said two steps forward, not back!
Sir!
You wanted volunteers, so I took two steps back just in case.
Sir! I took four steps back just in case.
I see! Slackers rather than boneheads, eh?
Report to the sergeant at once!
And rookie Niskanen is the third.
March!
Sir! Three hesitant volunteers at your service!
I have a special task for you, gentlemen.
Clean the toilets! March!
Attention!
To the barracks, dismiss!
Miss, could I get your phone number?
It's in the phone book.
Damn! What's your name, Miss?
That's in the phone book, too.
T-t-hank you!
It seems we're between two fires.
I think this is a good time to faint.
Yummy castor oil.
We want that pretty nurse back!
Or we'll go on a strike.
Help!
Doctor! Professor!
In...
Cough, please.
Mr. Professor.
There's a call for Mr. Professor.
Switch it here, please.
Take a deep breath, please.
A bit quicker, I'm in a hurry.
Mr. Professor, you're not listening to lungs now.
You're on the phone.
Oh! Thank you, thank you.
Hello.
Hello. It's patient Niskanen speaking.
Niskanen, I see. Could I get Niskanen's card, please?
Uh huh...
I have prescribed Mr. Niskanen fresh air,
a meatball diet,
not a drop of alcohol,
and only one cigar a day.
Well, have you followed my instructions carefully?
Yes I have, Mr. Professor.
Very well. How do you feel now?
The cigar you prescribed is killing me,
as I have never smoked before.
Doctor, Professor, quick!
Those two nutty patients!
Justiina!
Wake up, Mr. Sheriff!
I see, I see. Thank you.
All right. Let's head toward the jail again.
Saddle the horses, train robber.
And no tricks.
Remember that I draw one tenth of a second faster!
I think you've confused things, Mr. Sheriff.
I can't be a train robber, as it hasn't been invented yet.
Oh well, that doesn't change anything.
A crook is a crook.
Dear Sheriff, I swear I'm innocent.
You've got the wrong man.
Not a wrong but a wily man.
Enough! Saddle those horses!
Mr. Sheriff, do you hear what I hear?
They are jackdaws.
I'd say mew gulls.
I value my scalp more than my gunfighter reputation.
Let's turn our boots around and walk back to the desert.
You're so smart, Sheriff!
The injuns will lose the tracks.
But how do we turn the hooves of the horses?
Indeed... We need to leave the horses.
Right...
155 miles to Three Colt Saloon. Service and shooting 8-24.
92 miles to Three Colt Saloon. Service and shooting 8-24.
Mr. Sheriff, I'm really thirsty.
And the only water is on my knee.
Mr. Sheriff, the vultures are waiting.
I can't believe what I see!
Mr. Sheriff, that was a mirage.
Stop! I'm the Sheriff!
Mr. Sheriff, I think we blew it.
You stole the words from my mouth.
But what can you expect from a crook?
Take it easy, Sheriff. This is a tricky situation.
We're like two radishes in the sunshine.
Me, Sitting Buffalo speak.
Great Manitou has given us these palefaces.
We finish them!
In the ancient style of the Forestbug tribe.
Mr. Sheriff, the time is up.
Since you are so smart, say something appropriate.
Hold your head up, tough guy.
We'll manage!
Thank you for the consolation, Mr. Sheriff.
Now I can die in peace with my boots on.
They sure are brisk boys.
I've got sand in my boot.
Wife. Me, great chief.
What say Evening Wind?
You great! Ugh!
Me, Sitting Buffalo, great chief of Forestbug tribe,
order that these two palefaces kick the bucket now!
Growling Hunger!
Get to it!
Paleface afraid! Sitting Buffalo afraid of nothing!
Come here, right now!
If you value your scalp.
Yes, my dear.
What does that Growling Hunger want?
Is he going to cut my hair?
Stop!
As you were!
Let both prisoners go!
My wife... Eh, I mean...
Manitou want one prisoner marry my pretty daugher,
Warbling Creek.
And the other take a hike.
Blessed be woman, I'm saved.
How come? You have to flee in the forest.
Surely that girl will choose me.
Nonsense! She's mine!
Let me laugh.
You'll keep a straight face when I draw my six-shooter!
Go ahead and draw. In the meantime, I'll get the girl.
Me! Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!
Paleface always quarrel and fight. Never in peace.
Smoke some peace pipe.
Thunderball! Take them peace pipe!
Dear Forestbugs!
This issue a double-edged pipe.
Is difficult choose which paleface marry my daughter.
They compete in archery. Better one get Warbling Creek.
Shoot target, not my butt!
No think I shoot own tribe. I shoot enemy.
Accepted! You hit bullseye!
And now other paleface.
Me alike. No shoot that target.
Bring darts and I show you!
Well done! Well done!
Dreadful paleface...
Warbling Creek! Warbling Creek!
Come and choose yourself!
Premium quality both.
Daddy, I want them both!
You keep her, Sheriff. I prefer the forest.
The law is on my side. You stay, I leave.
Daddy! Catch my grooms!
Wait moment! I dig up Hatchet!
They escape!
Mr. Sheriff, your watch must be late. The fight has started already.
My watch is the law.
Therefore, the law has been broken.
I'll move my watch 20 minutes forward.
That's it! The fight has started in time.
Law and order have been restored at the Three Colt Saloon.
Mr. Sheriff, Mr. Sheriff, I told you.
This is the horse of the real crook.
I know this sign. It's on every poison bottle.
Mr. Sheriff, believe it. I'm the wrong man!
Now that's what I thought.
You even have such an honest face. Come!
Hey, dude!
The law has a long arm.
And here are the cuffs.
Pianist, some music!
We heard some gunshots and I told my assistant:
Tom, that's the sound of bread.
Sound of bread? Who are you?
Undertakers.
Our motto is: What we bury, stays there.
Let's see, let's see...
Tough luck. The corpse is too tall.
Well, we'll fold him into the old piano box.
What was the cause of death?
Rotten conscience and acute lead poisoning.
Thank you. Tom!
Take me down at once,
or I'll bust you for illegal sourmilk drinking and gambling!
Okay, we will.
So there!
Would you like a drink, Mr. Sheriff? Perhaps sparkling water?
That's too strong for me. Lemonade, please.
One lemonade.
And a double Jaffa for me.
Double Jaffa.
A straw!
Just a moment.
Here you are.
Well, Sheriff. What's up next!
Lemonade and a straw, please.
I think that bubblegum chewing is a bad habit.
Isn't it, Mr. Sheriff?
It should be made illegal.
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had a lamb.
E-i-e-i-o!
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had a pig.
E-i-e-i-o!
With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink.
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had a dog.
E-i-e-i-o!
With a woof woof here, and a woof woof there,
Here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.
With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink.
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had some chickens.
E-i-e-i-o!
With a cluck cluck here, and a cluck cluck there,
Here a cluck, there a cluck, everywhere a cluck cluck.
With a woof woof here, and a woof woof there,
Here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.
With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink.
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had a cow.
E-i-e-i-o!
With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there,
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.
With a cluck cluck here, and a cluck cluck there,
Here a cluck, there a cluck, everywhere a cluck cluck.
With a woof woof here, and a woof woof there,
Here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.
With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink.
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
Old MacDonald had a farm.
E-i-e-i-o!
And on that farm he had some kids.
E-i-e-i-o!
With a pee pee here, and a pee pee there,
Here a pee, there a pee, everywhere a pee pee.
With a moo moo here, and a moo moo there,
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.
With a cluck cluck here, and a cluck cluck there,
Here a cluck, there a cluck, everywhere a cluck cluck.
With a woof woof here, and a woof woof there,
Here a woof, there a woof, everywhere a woof woof.
With an oink oink here, and an oink oink there,
Here an oink, there an oink, everywhere an oink oink.
With a baa baa here, and a baa baa there,
Here a baa, there a baa, everywhere a baa baa.
E-i-e-i-o!
You're not from here, stranger.
No, I'm from Kolkontaipale.
I like you...
Do you play old maid?
Well, I'd play even tiddlywinks with you.
I'm allergic to pretty women, see.
Uncard.
Mr. Sheriff, check that there's no bluff.
My six-shooter is allergic to marked cards.
Let's check the cards.
The old maid is marked.
It won't do. Get a new deck.
Let's count.
The ace of diamonds is missing.
You may start now.
So...
Please take a card, Mom's Darling Morse.
Thank you, Sugar Cube Harris. Thank you.
Here you are, stranger.
Here you are, Sugar Cube Harris.
Thank you, Fluff Slim.
I blew the whistle.
You are cheating!
Who's cheating?
A-ha! Butcher's wife!
This pretty singer is together with these crooks!
As true as my name is Sugar Cube Harris,
that kind of sheriffs listen to the law of the west,
and take a hike!
Okay...
Pretty but deceitful.
I regret to inform all present,
that shooting starts about now.
Well? Hello?
On vacation! -The Pianist
Daddy! Daddy!
Are my grooms here?
Hush, Warbling Creek!
You wake even bear from hibernation.
Sheriff. Mr. Sheriff!
Do you still exist?
As soon as I turn my back, fighting stops.
I just went to get a couple of ice cream cones.
What?
Have you used live rounds?
Not at all. Just playing with snap caps.
I knocked them out with my fists.
Now palefaces run into Warbling Creek's arms!
Chop, chop, chop!
Surgery
Pätkä!
Pätkä! Pätkä!
Dear anesthesia doctor, the patient is making noise.
Prepare to knock him out.
Aye aye, Sir!
Mr. Professor, ready for anesthesia.
Artery?
Thank you.
Anesthesia. Take a deep breath.
Take a deep breath.
Surgery
Mr. Professor,
why did you have to operate Pekka and Pätkä?
Well, we had to change the sawdust.
Sawdust?
They've never changed mine.
Did you say banana peel?
Banana peel!
And Justiina said it'll take them years to come to.
If they ever were!
Well said, Mrs. Muttinen!
Well, couldn't even the doctor do anything?
Nothing at all.
Even if they've injected billions of units of penicillin,
and pumped oxygen like into old car wheels,
nothing helps.
Hurrah! Hurrah!
That Pikkarainen should have his head checked, too.
You nailed it!
Anyway, I need to go to the shop.
Look. Why the flag, Pikkarainen?
There's a big celebration.
Those Puupääs will be hospitalized for years.
Duh! It's you!
I'll take that back.
It's mourning time.
Please accept our condolences.
Yes. Be seeing you, Pikkarainen.
What is this smell?
Hello, Justiina!
Oh, hello, dear Mrs. Mattson.
It's such a beautiful day, Justiina.
Indeed it is, Mrs. Mattson.
The forecast promised that the good weather...
But the radio was lying.
I see ugly clouds coming.
Clouds?
I see no clouds whatsoever.
Nope...
Behind your back, Justiina.
What!
Are you calling my Pekka an ugly cloud, you gossip?
You heard what I said!
All that you have said, Mrs. Mattson,
I've let go in one ear and out the other!
Suits you, Justiina! You have nothing in between!
Quit your yipping, Mrs. Mattson!
Your own husband is so twisted, he needs to screw his hat off!
Oh, dear Pekka!
You saved me so bravely from that awful Mrs. Mattson.
It was Pekka who saved the day.
The Puupää family just has to have the last word.
Even better if we have the second last, too.
Oh, that Pätkä, too! So cute!
Boys!
Do you know what this is?
Y-y-yes we do.
Almost too well.
We won't be needing this anymore.
Oh, dear boys!
Now that I got you back alive and well,
I have no heart to use this anymore.
As dear as it is to me.
But we'll discard it now.
I'll throw it out right away!